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 Hey friends!

Just wanted to tell you about luv_is_beauty, a new support community for those with/who have recovered from eating disorders! The more friends and support the better, right?! Since luv_is_beauty is so brand spankin' new, its focus is extremely flexible and open to input! Help shape a support community that fits your unique needs!! So come, check out luv_is_beauty and connect with more people who understand you!:)

See you there!

PS. I have nothing but respect for life_beyond_eds and do not judge anyone based on their opinions on eating or weight-loss. If you read luv_is_beauty profile and find that it is not for you, I completely understand. I am not here to offend, or push ideas on anyone; I am simply suggesting you check out a new community to add to your supports on lj! 

Xoxoxo
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Kind of really worried / triggered about recent weight gain... I just left two and a half months of treatment at the end of January. The 6th of January (while still in treatment) I got my first period. Exactly one month later on February 6th I got my period again. Aside from being somewhat triggered by getting my period, I was thinking "OK, cool. I'm on schedule with a normal (predictable) period."
So since I have a boyfriend I was going to start birth control after my next period (we have been having unprotected sex since I have been back - idiot) I was expecting it on the sixth like it had come the last two times and now it is the 11th...
I took two pregnancy tests a couple of days ago and they were both negative so I really don't think that is the case, but I have also weighed myself at the gym (I know, very stupid stupid idea) and since I first got back from treatment to NOW, I am X lbs HEAVIER...
I haven't been binging ("average person" over eating on occasion perhaps and self loathing at times but not caloricaly binging anyways) and I'm eating more "healthy"/"safer foods" than I had at treatment (they REALLY challenged fear foods).
So, I'm sorry if this is confusing to understand... I guess my biggest question is what could be causing this weight gain? I have been doing really quite well dietarily I think (no "major" behaviors). Also, I'm not really using heavy weights at the gym so I don't think I could of gained that many pounds of muscle especially in just a few weeks...
I really appreciate ANY thoughts you all might have
Thanks <3
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i've just started therapy for my ED. my psychiatrist, general doctor and specialist all know.

in regards to family, friends and significant others--when did you come out to them?

i feel like i should tell my boyfriend as a part of recovery but at the same time i don't want to confront him with my problem.

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m back on the rollercoaster of not eating my husband has been away for 6 months and ive lost a lot of weight and no he will see it and wonder why when he gets back just feel alone at the moment.
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&nbsp;I binged last night for the first time in a LONG time.  I feel like I'm starting to eat out of stress again, and  I don't want to restart that shit.  Is anyone still around?
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Before I go on with my rant... I just wanted to know how all you guys are doing:). Also... I wanted to ask what are your biggest triggers and how do you deal with them on healthy days and on unhealthy days.



 

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have been feeling very down the past few days...

...stayed at work until 1pm today but then made my excuses and left and came home and went to bed. i havent done that in months but i just couldnt keep on going today

also, i am really really worried about money. I have absolutely none and I got a letter from the bank today saying they are going to start charging me interest on my overdraft (i haven't paid interest until now because it was a student account and then a graduate account, now they are changing it into a regular bank account where i'll have to pay 18% a month) so yeah, i'm freaking out, I have NO money atall. i'll be able to pay my rent and that is it, literally. i'm going to have to sell some of my more expensive possessions to get by.

its such a mess.

and on the ed side of things, i've gone from eating nothing to eating one or two things a day, but they are calorie heavy bad bad things and i feel so so guilty for it. so that just makes me feel even lower than i already am.
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what an odd day. i'm in work and a huge bouquet of flowers arrives for me...from my ex who i am seeing later that night. the card reads "looking forward to tonight! x"

spend the rest of the day hugely confused about the meaning behind the flowers

go to meet him, have a drink. his housemates show up to give him the key to their new place and as its rond the corner fromt he pub we pop by to see it. afterwards we say goodbye and i head home. i want to cry, i do cry, a l ittle bit. i buy food on the way home and devour it all in minutes (fighting off the cat who wants some too...) then i spend 20 quiet minutes in the bathroom, making sure my housemates on the floor above don't hear wha i'm doing.

i give myself a nose bleed from the intensity of it, but at least the food is gone. i cant believe i ate it, i had done so well at not eating.

now im in bed and tomorrow is another day and i'll only have the scars on my knockles to show for it

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Its time for an update, you guys:)

On the ed front: Im having a hard time. Some time of restriction and then a couple of somewhat normal days though today I woke up feeling super guilty about them. I need an appointment with my psy asap. Tony and my friends are quite suportive but Idk why I'm still having such a hard time just eating normally.

On the bf front: everythings perfect and I'm quite happy.

Uni: well Im pretty tired but I think it has more to do with the ed than with uni. I like it there, I'm always having a blast.

Family: sucks. sucks. sucks. But I cant do anything about the whole thing except be patient and start working so I can get the hell out of heeeeeeeeeere!

Thats it I guess.
I missed you guys!
And fuck I need some support right now. 
Nikki

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mustn't eat mustn't eat mustn't eat

must loose must loose must loose

...three days in and not finding it a problem so far. hitting the gym in a bit hoorah!

woke up this morning and must have slept funny on my face as my jaw really really hurts? it aches and feels a bit out of place? odd...

was feeling a bit self indulgent this morning and have been sifting through the archives of here and also the purgatorium where i used to be an active member. looking at my old posts i see a full circle back to where i was then, only with with the huge difference in that im no longer seeking help or recovery, that i am actively engaging in my ed bahaviours and that i am really happy about it. judge me if you want, but this is my choice

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Ok so I stopped posting here cause no one was replying and now that I come back I see some new posts! Urgh... I wanna catch up so badly but I'm super super tired. I'll keep up from now on, though. So if anyone feels like talking... I'm here.

Lately I've been doing badly. Not today, thank god! But I'm worried still... Lots have been going on but I'm in this blank state of mind right now and I cant remember anything right now. I'll work on it.

lots of loveeeeeee
Nikki

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finally went to the bathroom yesterday :) felt 10 trillion times better for it! then I ate some food and for some reason it didn't agree with me and pretty quick I was right back in the bathroom! how typical...

anyway, all is updated in my journal, it's probably rather triggering because there are some numbers and stuff in there.

hope everyone is ok x

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urgh, i feel so stuffed up. i need to go to the bathroom but whenever i do nothing happens. they say it is lack of fibre that causes this, but i do get fibre, so I dont understand.

i feel huge because of it though, like im pregnant or something...though that isnt likely because no guy has gone near me in months

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hey all, haven't written on here in a reall really long time but am feeling in a bad place again and need to vent to someone, anyone.....

There is a new boy I like...we've seen each other 2 weekends in a row and we made loose arrangements to do something this evening but I haven't heard from him yet and I'm spiralling. ED wise I'm ok I think, though I don't want to be, it's so messed up that I want to be worse again. I hate the way I feel and look right now, I need to be les than I am. A girl who moved into my flatshare a few months ago also has ED related problems and like me, quite a history of it. We talk about things sometimes and I hope it will bring back my problems back but it hasn't so far.

Anyway, I really really like this guy and I wish he would call and sort out this evening. I bet he doesn't and I'll be so depressed all of this evening. It's 4pm and I'm still in bed, that is bad for me, when i don't get out of bed I get in the most pissey moods. I so badly want to call him but I sent him a text message last night and had no reply, I dont feel I can contact him again because it looks like i'm hassling him. boo hoo
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I am feeling down and fed up my weight is dropping i dont no why maybe its stress i dont really care either thats the worrying thing.Im so busy maybe thats why rushing round after the kids since my man has gone again always off to sea lucky him.
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I have questions for you guys:

Did you ever had dark moments while recovery? Did you managed to go through them? Are you still there?

Nikki

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Which body do you think is more beautiful: the male, or the female?

And why?

myCollapse )

Do you ever think your past or present eating disorder will completely disappear from your life?

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So...
One of my best friends is sick. Really sick.
One of supposedly best friends ditch me today to go drinking (mind you it wasnt even 4 pm).
One friend called me ugly today.

GREAT

Nikki

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Finally, some time to post.
Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed about my life in general (uni, my family, the ed, my friends...) and I cant stand this anymore. I'm trying to hold on (to recovery, I mean) all I can but I feel like I'm slowly slipping. I'm working on not engaging on the ed behaviors, but I really hope someday the thoughts will be gone. I should see my shrink but I feel like I dont deserve help, like I'm "not sick enough" (which, yes, I know, its a typical ed thought... yet, I cant get myself together and actually GO). I'm contemplating skipping my appointment. The past months, I've been thinking about it. Its just that I feel like I'm stuck on the middle and this is normalcy. Or as close as I can get. Not that my ed is completely under control. I guess what I'm trying to do with this post is maybe rant/updating... I dont know.  
I'm so freaking tired and I should go to sleep. Also, I wanted to tell you that I took my french literature test and it went fine:).
Oh, and if someone posts I'll do my best to reply.
Nikki

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Lately the distortion is getting bigger and bigger. I cant even tell how my body actually looks like, I have no idea. Briefly, I can see in my reflection in a window pane that I dont look *so bad*, but that only lasts a few seconds and then I forget about it. Is there a way to fight distorsion? Does it ever go away? It's really messing with my head, you know?
Also, Im having a bit of a down day. Urgh... I'm trying to set myself goals, I'm trying so much so we'll see. And I have a test tonight. I'm a bit nervous.

How about you guys, how's everything?
Nikki

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